Love and power, aka chocolate and peanut butter
I recently realized that I have never submitted to a man sexually if there was not an already established circuit of love coursing between us.
But, I have dominated men just fine without that type of mutual love connection. And, in fact, I’ve felt more clarity and confidence concerning my ability to dominate a man if I don’t love him.
It’s as if submission (me being submissive) is rooted in love and the feeling of connection, whereas dominance (me being dominant) is rooted in power and the feeling of detachment.
Hmm… so what the hell is that about? [Elizavetta ponders] And why am I making a differentiation like this; these mental groupings of love/connection/submission and power/detachment/dominance?
Is this a result of a cultural male/female thing I’ve taken on unquestioningly as a personal belief? Or is there really something integral to me about this differentiation?
OR, am I simply on the cusp of discovering two great tastes that taste great together… you know, kinda like the yummy heaven one finds in a Reese’s peanut butter cup?
These are my current questions of the day…
… which I’ll think about some more after I get back from the candy store.
.
Image credit: bob.fornal at flickr
Because submission is rooted in trust, and dominance in power? (Oops, sorry, you already said that. I’m distracted by the thought of peanut butter cups - you can’t get them here). What I mean is, maybe emotionally you lean more towards submission and therefore to be dominant you have to psyche yourself into it? (This probably makes no sense. My hormones need chocolate now).
Z,
It’s true that I do emotionally lean more toward submission, but there is also a very strong non-emotional and amoral “self” in me that wants to go straight for the jugular… on my own terms, not someone else’s. And only domination will serve that.
Is that psyching myself into it? I don’t know. Maybe. Or maybe it’s that domination psyches itself into me, uses me for it’s own ends - which requires a weird kind of submission in itself.
But chocolate, yes… no need to psyche my way into that!
My hypothesis, which may be completely wrong, is that bdsm in general requires trust in the top. If you aren’t inclined to trust just anyone, then it’s hard to bottom to people you don’t have a real connection with. But topping them just means trusting yourself, and that’s much easier. And if anything, you’d worry more about abusing the trust of someone who really was close to you than you would a stranger’s, on some level.
Just a thought.
Dev,
Yes, you’re exactly right.
And thinking more about my previous experience with dominance, I did go into each situation already knowing that I trusted myself and had confidence in my ability to be trustworthy for the sub, so I never experienced a “trust conflict” within myself in the same way I do when I think about subbing to someone I don’t have an emotional connection with.
Also, since my experience with dominance has been mostly with pro work, I just don’t have much knowledge about emotional involvement from the top perspective at all. In fact, it was a requirement of the job (for me anyway) that I remain detached. You can’t do that work and feel it all the way down or form attachments to the other person in the same way you do within a personal relationship. You’d go crazy very quickly. Hence (for me), dominance = detachment, and detachment = power.
You’d think that having that previous experience would make me nothing but confident - and it does, but only technically, procedurally, if you will. But emotionally, that experience has made me defensive, armored, wary.
As a result, I’m fine with being able to mind fuck the shit out of a guy (literally), but claiming the experience as my own, for myself… feeling it all the way down… not so much.
Sigh… I’m starting to see very clearly just how much I have to unlearn
Ah well, live and… un-learn, then!
Thanks for this comment. I love reading your blog, by the way, especially your perspective on the very thing we’re talking about here: the emotional reality of a dominant woman in a relationship. I’m learning a lot from you!
Hey, thanks!
I watched a pro dom of my acquaintance once top a guy for fun, not for pay. (Well, I’ve seen this a lot, but this is a particular instance.) And I saw her do some things that to me were kind of “pro” - things I’d be more surprised to see an amateur dom do. And I wondered, if you’re a pro, if it’s hard to recover that link to your own sexuality. I find it hard enough sometimes myself.
(I’ve never worked as a pro, or considered doing it, except on April Fool’s Day.)
Dev,
And I wondered, if you’re a pro, if it’s hard to recover that link to your own sexuality.
I can only speak for myself on this, but I have to say that, yes, it’s been difficult, but only where dominance is concerned (one of the reasons I shied away from it for so long in my personal life). And that’s because, in a dominant situation, I’ve conditioned myself to think exclusively about what “needs to be done,” rather than what I’m getting out of it.
Not that I never got anything out of it in paid situations, but the majority of the time, as I said, I was just doing my job. So, right now, it’s about me learning to shut off that automatic response, to think less in terms of “client satisfaction” and more in terms of my own experience and feeling. And once I can do that, I know I’ll find my authentic desires and responses, because I know they’re still there underneath all the conditioning.
And that’s exactly what I’m trying to do and what I’m writing about lately: the process of recovering that link, as you call it, to the dominant expression of my own sexuality.
As for your April Fool’s Day post: Thank goodness it was only that! Unfortunately, though you wrote your post in jest, that’s the kind of stuff I was reading on these other blogs, only not in jest.
I take consolation in the probability that as soon as either one of them would make even the first attempts to get themselves set up, they’d quickly decide that even the set up itself is just WAY too much work. At least, that’s my hope.
Wow. What a topic. The man i’m seeing, with whom I can be completely submissive, (though he might disagree at times), always believed himself to be submissive. We’ve talked a bit about turning the tables… I know I have it inside me… but I guess it also depends on where you are. What Dev said makes so much sense and I guess I just don’t trust myself so much right now.
I’m so glad you’re writing about this stuff… It can be pretty complex and hard on the brain if one is just trying to work it out alone or just with one other person., who is also trying to work it out.
Sulpicia,
It can all be rather complex and I agree, it helps to be able to read what others are going through, working out, etc. However, reading about others can be tricky, too, in that it’s also easy to fall into comparison and measurement and such. Even so, I’d still rather have the opportunity to read about other’s experiences than not. Which reminds me - I’m so glad you’re back!
I only got as far as the rooting comments about submission and dominance….I can’t take any more in just at the moment…but whoa boy am I having fun with the wondering of what my dominance is most comfortably rooted in.
Greenwoman,
Whether your wondering leads you to a conclusion or not, it is kind of fun to think about, yes?
Happy wondering!