Something just for me
Gillette left a comment on my last post which opened a floodgate for me. Well, not really a floodgate, it was more like just turning on a small faucet. Anyway, mental flow of any kind usually leads to me having to write about something, and while responding to her comment, I realized I was actually writing a post (I love it when that happens!). So here you are:
In her comment on this post , Gillette related a deep and somewhat edgy experience of engaging the dominant part of herself. And then she said:
I believe that sometimes the places of our deepest fears are the places that hold our greatest powers. (not saying I heard this [engaging with the dominant energy in one's self] is a fear of yours…just sharing).
Our deepest fears as a source of great power? Oh, absolutely! And there is indeed some fear in this for me.
It’s not that I’m afraid of the dominant desire in myself or even my expression of it in the world. I have had some experience with all of that and have definitely done quite a bit of emotional and mental processing about it.
What I’m skittish about is getting to a place where I can live my own organic expression of it, as I mentioned in my post, and find a partner who actually wants/needs my version of it. And by this I mean my own natural and unique version of dominance - which doesn’t much obey the confines and strictures of the Pro Domme sex worker persona I once participated in.
Once an outer role is shed or refused, the difficulty (and therefore the fear) becomes about taking on the total responsibility for expressing the unique truth of that part of one’s self despite the prevalent social models available at the time . And that’s right where I am with all of this; that’s the location of the fear.
Although, honestly, I don’t think I would even call it fear at this point. Wariness, maybe… trepidation. And not even so much at the unknown in myself, but in the acceptance of my own brand of dominance by any partner I might engage with.
I’m not so much concerned about my own ability to reach escape velocity where the socially accepted Pro Domme Persona is concerned. In fact, I’d have to say, I’m already safely sailing out pretty far from that particular black hole, at least mentally.
I’m more worried, frankly, about the likelyhood of finding the right partner, a man who is mature enough in his own submission to get that not all dominant women are perfect-bodied whip-yeilding catsuit-wearing ModelBitches dedicated to nothing but a faux-submissive man’s every demanding whim for pain, pleasure, humiliation, etc.
The idea of female domination has become so ridiculously skewed in the collective reality and therefore in the pictures of reality we hold in our heads (male and female), that the true personal expression of one woman’s dominant desires is often effectively wrangled into (ironically) complete submission by the monolithic MeanBitch-in-the-sky version of FemDom that we all know all too well.
It’s kind of like Pro Wrestling. While most people don’t believe that Pro Wrestling is the only true way to engage in contact sports, those theatrically costumed bigger-than-life Pro Wrestlers present a very strong and lasting picture in our heads. And pictures in our heads are very very difficult to put aside when we’re trying to find other versions of reality that have no corresponding social image.
Anyway, others have written far more eloquently and saucily about this subject than I ever could. And if you’re interested in truly delving into this topic, Bitchy Jones is certainly required reading, especially this and this . Also highly recommended are The Switch is Not a Myth , Devastating Yet Inconsequential , and Mistress 160’s Abode .
I guess what I’m trying to write myself into articulating is this:
I’m not seeking a Pro-Domme situation again, but a personal, sexual-spritual relationship with a submissive man. In other words, I’m not seeking a job this time, but a personal Way, something just for me.
And I’m not saying that I can’t or shouldn’t embark on this search because the Wonderful World of Disney, er, I mean FemDom is just so skewed that I might as well give up. I’m just saying that I accept the reality that it could prove to be a difficult journey, at least to begin. But then, if the rest of my life experience is any clue, that last statement alone probably means it’s going to end up being well worth the effort.
Image credit: Rundu
I certainly hope that you find him. I do.
I think you’ll do fine. There are a lot of good guys out there who don’t think of their partners merely as fantasy-fulfillment objects. It might be harder not letting yourself get sucked into trying to be that. (I don’t know you at all, I’m just speculating.) And thanks for the link!
I really hope he materialises. I have less hope for myself; having no experience, only enthusiasm, leaning and aptitude on my side and a 100% vanilla partner who I’m sure would never err on the side of receiving… and I wouldn’t want him to, but that’s another story… I can’t see it happening anytime soon. I shall live vicariously, vibrantly, and learn.
I find that I have a bad habit of bottoming from the top and topping from the bottom no matter what role I’m trying to play with, so I am definitely with you in trying to find one’s own way to be without having to fit into any mold set up by others.
Gillette,
Well, it’s likely that if I do, you’ll be one of the first to know. *smiling*
Dev,
Welcome! I just found your blog, but I can tell it’s one I’ll be back to. You’re quite welcome for the link, by the way.
About the rest of what you said… heavy sigh. I suppose all I can really say to that at this point is, time will tell…
orchidea,
Well, I have to admit that I’ve had a great time living vicariously enough through your blog now and then, so I guess turn about is fair play. *grin*
Shay,
Welcome! I’m glad you stopped by, not only to comment, but because your blog is one I keep meaning to add to my links but haven’t (I’m notoriously lazy about that). So, thanks for reminding me!
Like you, I’ve also struggled with my tendency to dance back and forth between topping and bottoming in ways that are sometimes confusing to me and my partner.
But, at this point in my life, I have come to understand two things that make my previous worry about that rather pointless:
1) Topping and bottoming is involved, to one extent or another, in just about all aspects of life, and as individuals we are often required to travel seamlessly back and forth between the two in order to live healthy lives.
2) Sexually, topping and bottoming are simply two expressions of the same vital sexual energy, each in their own way requiring a special brand of mastery and surrender (something I pondered both logically and poetically on my previous blog, Tea and Oranges).
At this point in my life, the idea of topping/bottoming and the question of whether I “am” one or the other, is quickly losing its power as a worthy conundrum.
I’m becoming less interested in exploring the idea of either/or role maintenance and more drawn to participating in the living process of sexual-spiritual alchemy from whichever angle I can best get to it.
In the grand scheme of things, I consider this a good thing; a sign of personal growth that holds the promise of finally moving me beyond the feeling that something must be wrong with me because I have trouble staying “in character.” And I wish you the same good fortune in being able to turn what you now call your “bad habit” into a path of discovery.
“I’m more worried, frankly, about the likelyhood of finding the right partner, a man who is mature enough in his own submission to get that not all dominant women are perfect-bodied whip-yeilding catsuit-wearing ModelBitches dedicated to nothing but a faux-submissive man’s every demanding whim for pain, pleasure, humiliation, etc.”
I’m of the mind that we draw towards ourselves compliments to our energy, so hopefully your expression of your desire will lead the lucky boy right to you.
Juliette,
I agree. And I know that what you’re talking about here has been very true in my own life - I have indeed drawn to me others who have complimented my energy even when that energy was unconscious or without much intent.
What’s different now is that I’m becoming much more aware of and intentional concerning my own desires - and their expression. Hopefully, that energy will draw someone of an equally aware, but as you say, complimentary energy.
As I said to Dev previously, time will tell…
In the meantime, I thank you for your kind well-wishes. *smile*